Visiting a family member with dementia can be hard not because you don't want to see them, but because you don't always know what to say. Small talk about recent events often goes nowhere. Asking about their day can produce confusion or distress. The long silences can feel like loss.

This article is a list of conversation prompts that tend to work better, organised by life stage. The underlying principle is simple: long-term autobiographical memory is often preserved much longer than short-term memory in dementia. Asking about last week is hard. Asking about childhood is sometimes easy, and often welcome.

Read the list, pick two or three that feel right for the person you're visiting, and bring something small — a photograph, a piece of music, an object — that can anchor the conversation. You don't need all of these. You need two good ones and an hour.

Before you start — a few gentle rules

Don't correct. If they get a detail wrong, let it be. The point is not accuracy; it's connection.
Follow the emotional thread, not the factual one. If they start down a path you didn't expect, follow them. The story that emerges is more important than the one you planned.
Avoid "do you remember." It's an exam question and it can produce shame when the answer is no. Try "tell me about..." or "what was it like when..." instead.
Use the present tense when they do. If they're telling you about a childhood summer as though it's happening now, you can live in that summer with them. You don't have to correct the tense.
Silence is fine. A long pause is not a failure. Sit with it.

A lit candle and a small stack of papers on a windowsill at dusk. — You don't need all of these. You need two good ones and an hour.

Childhood and early years

Tell me about the house you grew up in. What was the kitchen like?
Who lived next door? Did you play with any of them?
What did your mother cook on Sundays?
How did you get to school? Who did you walk with?
Did you have a favourite teacher? What were they like?
Were you a good or a naughty child? (Often opens a laugh)
What did you play with in the garden or on the street?
Was there a particular smell in your grandmother's house?
What was your favourite meal as a child?
Did your family have a dog or cat? What was it called?

School years and teenage years

What was your best subject? What did the teacher look like?
Did you play any sport? Were you any good?
What kind of music was on the radio when you were sixteen?
Did you have a favourite dance?
Where did you go with your friends on Saturdays?
Did your parents set a curfew? Did you ever break it?
Who was your best friend at school? What were they like?
What did you want to be when you grew up?
When did you get your first bicycle or your first bus ticket on your own?

Young adulthood, work, and meeting a partner

Tell me about your first job. What was the first day like?
Who trained you? Was there anyone you worked with you remember?
How did you meet [partner's name]?
What was the first thing you noticed about them?
Where did you go on your first date?
What was your wedding day like? What was the weather?
Who gave a speech? Was it a good one?
Where did you live when you were first married?
What was your first house like? What did you change about it?

Family life

What were your children like as babies?
Which one was the easiest? Which one gave you the most trouble?
What was a Sunday in your family like when the children were small?
Where did you go on holiday when the kids were young?
Did you have any family traditions at Christmas?
Who was the cook in the family?
What's a meal you remember making a hundred times?
Were there any characters in the family who made you laugh?

Work and career

What did you actually do, day to day?
Who were the people at work you remember best?
Was there a boss you liked? A boss you didn't?
What was the biggest thing you worked on?
Did you like going to work?
When did you retire? Was that easy or hard?

General prompts that work at any age

What was your favourite song when you were young?
Who made you laugh the most in your life?
What's the best holiday you remember?
Tell me about your wedding.
What's the proudest moment of your life?
What did you do that you wish you'd done differently?
Who in your family are you most like?
What's a smell that reminds you of home?

What to do when it doesn't work

Some days the prompts won't land. The person in front of you will be tired, or confused, or just not in the mood. That's fine. You don't have to have a conversation. You can:

Sit together and look through photographs without any particular story in mind
Play music from their youth and not talk at all
Hold their hand and say nothing
Make them a cup of tea and talk about the weather
Comment on something in the room — a flower, a painting — and see if that goes anywhere

The visit itself is the point. The conversation is a bonus.

A final thought

The prompts above work because they lean into what's preserved rather than what's lost. They avoid testing. They offer the person a chance to be themselves — a person with a long life full of stories — rather than a patient being managed.

Bring a photograph. Ask one or two of the questions above. Let them tell you what they tell you. That is enough, and it is far more than you might think.